Wednesday, December 28

Killin' em with kindness...

First off let me apologize... It's been forever since I've posted on this blog! I've started a major love affair with tumblr and then that wicked temptress Instagram came in and well I've been quite torn betweent the two. I also have been posting on where I have my own column "Spend The Night with a Bombshell." Some things have transpired that have renewed my urge to document in words my lessons in life. The rapid approach of the year 2012 is bringing about change, financial security and growth, a year closer to 30 and the official launch of my own personal website... ... which will include all that encompasses my life, my adventures and misadventures, affairs, sex tips and tidbits, fashion, modeling and videos. Very excited to finally be taking this step and of course to be doing it the way I envisioned. Now to get into this blog..

It's said that "all is fair in love and war," but is it really? Breaking up or ending an affair is messy business and depending on how long the end has been near, almost destructive to any possibility of friendship. I found that there was a willingness on my end to be "the victim." To have the " why why why" mentality until the guy really hated me. Part of maturing for me was realizing that while I have the right to ask "why is this happening," in an effort to better myself for the next relationship , I have to ask almost knowing that I may NEVER get an answer or a logical one at that. Not all relationships are love, some are purely circumstancial and some never make it to that love stage. I love HARD... and I can honestly say for once in my adult life I was really in love.

There is always a hesitation on my end to speak on anyone else's feelings , so I won't, I will say for me that I loved him ( love, since this is still fresh) for who he was and is, his good days, bad days, when he acted like he could'nt breathe without me and when he acted like he didn't even think about me. I also realize that I am really the last person to fall out of love or even know that its time to push on. In this situation I allowed the "circle" to continue as much as he did, hoping that the way I felt wasn't in vain. Both of us expressed a saddness over the fact that there was no friendship, it was constantly over powered by a posessiveness and a pathetic attempt at just "being friends." I can honestly say I was the chaser for the last year, with him playing the skilled role of the chasee. Always giving enough hope that I hung on and expressing enough sadness when I said I couldn't anymore. And I ate it up! I think that there is an innate fear in all of us about being played, and while there is a great possibility that may be what has gone on here, as of right now I don't know. Played is at the mindset of the person, I look at myself proudly for being able to express how I felt to him even when I was returned with "thank yous" or " I just find this hard to believe."
Tenions boiled over finally when I was accused of something I couldn't possibly do, nor would want to. Back peddleing on a semi-public declaration on his end was made with a clear request of me to "kick rocks." An while this is par-de- course of our normal routine I notice something different in me. I still lost my appetite and wanted to sleep until I couldn't anymore, but the tears were far less. Definitely more of a knee-jerk reaction to my feelings being hurt as opposed
to the deep pain of loss. I finally reached that infamous "numbness" that I've heard men speak about regarding some of the games we women can play. Also gone was my need to understand, replaced by knowing "poor baby didn't have a clue what he wanted." As the terms of endearnments completely gave way to non personal dialogue, the attempts of making it seem like I dreamed up the whole encounter, harsh advice to "get over it," and the villian role being completely assumed I found myself chuckling.

No I'm not crazy, I just really found myself still extremely thankful for the experience, for me learning that I am romantical, that I will never ever ever be a secret no matter whom it is I'm dating, that I can't make someone see their own beauty no matter how hard I try. I learned that I will not fight someone for them, especially if its not just me they're running from, that no matter how many emotional gut punches I take if I love someone I love them and still can walk away without an ill word to say about them. Most importantly I can do all of this without him ever knowing. My mother says that the things he said were just to get me to leave him alone and hurt my feelings, I acknowledge that she could be right, but I think its high time I take him for word value. I can share all of this because I know in the end I am the lucky one, because I finally opened up and allowed myself to love and be loved, even if he chose in the end not to.
I want to say he isn't the man I thought he was, but I know that's not true and that one day he will be the man I know he is. But only when he's ready, and that woman will be a blessed one! So even though all contact with him is now and possibly forever ceased I just want to say Thank you K.A. and may you find your happiness.

Ultimately a lady just kills them with kindness!.

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